As some of you may know already, our sweet baby Kai passed away this evening. The little guy until the end was looking out for everyone else, he hung on so everyone could come today and say goodbye to him. He went so peacefully – he waited till Shawn and I laid down in the bed with him, holding his hands, sang his bedtime songs, and we all three fell asleep. When we woke up, I saw that his vitals were starting to slow, and when we went back to him and held his hands, he took his final breath as we felt the sun emerge from behind the clouds. Kai always (as many 2 year olds do) wanted us to hold his hand and lay with him for “just a little bit” before he would go to bed. His passing was a gracious gift of peace, love, and my heart full of feeling his free spirit. It redeemed the brokenness his body had to endure and he is pain free and smiling.
I don’t know why all of this happened.I know that while I do feel peace knowing that Kai no longer has to suffer, my heart is so broken because I love him, and I miss him, and I grieve the moments I won’t have with him here on earth. But, so so many moments in these past two weeks have been miracles and testimonies of love and evidence of God working in our lives for good. I know that may sound weird, but it’s just true. The amount of love and support that we have all received through this is just astounding and the number of people who have been touched by little Kai’s story has blown me away. I know we are all grieving right now but I want to choose life. Kai never wanted to nap or sleep – maybe he knew his time here on earth was short so needed to make sure he got all of the jumping on his bed, playing trains, and running around that he could. Kai liked being awake – I want to be awake too and keep alive Kai’s spirit and life and celebrate his new life he’s living now with Jesus. And I’m guessing he was hungry so I hope he’s filling up on all of the granola bars and “punkin” bread he can eat.
I am so incredibly grateful to all of the staff at Dell Children’s — the list we have of all of the people who have been with us on this journey is so long and each of them impacted our lives and helped us give Kai the best care possible. Thank you to all of you who have been with us – I know that the next few weeks for me are going to be tough, really, really tough and I’ll need help remembering to choose life even while grieving. And I must do that because otherwise I’m just being selfish and that’s not honoring Kai. Kai, I love you. You’re my little gentle warrior and little nuggie, you taught me how to love in ways I didn’t know I was capable and showed me glimpses of the pure innocent joy that I look forward to one day experiencing again with you in heaven. Thank you God for the honor and privilege of being Kai’s mom here on earth. So grateful.