Waking Up

I think we’ve all had moments where we feel we just need to get away – step outside to clear your head, do something completely different, or just close your eyes to rest. Admittedly, I have this feeling alot, every day – I think it may be why I now have to go for a walk first thing in the mornings when I wake up and then go outside and walk around the block after Maya is in bed. I think it’s still hard waking up and realizing Kai’s not here.

And it’s not that I don’t want to think about Kai – actually when I do “get away” from the house, I think about Kai the whole time and I want to think about him, but somehow it’s different when I think about him during the day seeing all of the things he’s not here with us for vs. me being outside by myself just thinking and remembering him.

The other week I had a dream about Kai. The dream was so real to me that when I heard a cry on the monitor that woke me up, I thought to myself, “oh! Kai’s up!”, and it took me a few seconds (you know that waking up fog) to remember oh no, that’s not Kai. And that realization hurt like someone jabbed me in the stomach and pierced my heart. But then, I heard Maya again. oh goodness. God, you are so gracious in creating this little miss maya, what an amazing, feisty little one she is. I am so thankful for this little girl and also the way she recently has been waking up – she now wakes up happy, smiling, babbling, showing her little teeth that are coming in. We didn’t experience these happy wakeups with Kai as a little baby — let’s be honest, Kai was what we call a wee bit of a grump sometimes when he’d wake up. But we loved, loved, loved going to get him each morning – I think we may have even rock/paper/scissors (or roshambo as some of you call it) on who’d get to go get him because as soon as we picked him up and he had his milk he would talk a million words a minute and want you to fix about a hundred different things for him for breakfast and he would crack us up.

I feel like I’m waking up multiple times during the day. Going through all of this, I’m more aware of the little things Maya does, that Shawn does, that each person I meet is doing. I realize that I’m becoming more and more aware of all of the pain/challenges we all are going through. This was kind of overwhelming at first and of course still is at times. But, I feel like God is trying to teach me and tell me through these wake ups that I can do more for others. And so I am trying to learn how to be a better mom, friend, neighbor, partner…. how to be a better “human”. It’s hard — I’m feeling more awake in ways, but then it’s so easy to forget or take for granted a moment — and I do know it’s impossible for us to be perfect in this, but yes, I realize that being awake, while maybe makes things a bit more overwhelming or painful at times, it also allows me to more fully enjoy and love others more than I have before. And honestly, I have these more overwhelming desires to do more for others and to love others better including Shawn, Maya, my family, friends, strangers, even if I’m not sure what to do sometimes. So I’m praying for guidance, courage to reach out, wisdom, patience, healing and everything else that God knows I need in my brokenness to hopefully do some good.

I want to be thankful for each day I get to wake up even with the pain knowing that Kai’s not here and not try to sleep this pain away but be awake and seek God and what His purpose is for me each day. And one day, whenever that may be, I will hopefully get to wake up in the next place, and Kai will be there to greet me.

Oh… and that dream I had about Kai…. I loved it, it was a memory of something I had to do manyyy times before and it was a gift for sure….but oh, little Kai, it wasn’t a sweet dream of cuddles or reading. My dream was of me having to chase after a disrobed, poopy Kai because he had dirtied his diaper and did not want me to wipe the #2 off his bootie….. ooooh that little stinker…..I love you little stinker.

9 Comments on Waking Up

  1. jenny harrison
    May 24, 2014 at 9:41 pm (4 years ago)

    That video with him chomping his teeth made me laugh..thank you for sharing tonight!

    Reply
  2. Amy Park
    May 24, 2014 at 9:43 pm (4 years ago)

    🙂 love that little goober. And Aki, you couldn’t possibly be a better “you”. You are amazing. And you WILL get to see Kai again, not just in your dreams. But for now, I wish you many wonderful Kai dreams. Even the stinky diaper kind.

    Reply
  3. Cori Feldman
    May 24, 2014 at 10:02 pm (4 years ago)

    That smile

    Reply
  4. Cori Feldman
    May 24, 2014 at 10:04 pm (4 years ago)

    And naked baby bootys, preferably non-poopy, but whatever- are the cutest!

    Reply
  5. Amy Salinas
    May 25, 2014 at 7:45 am (4 years ago)

    Good morning Aki / thank you as always for processing out loud – as always…you are an amazing lady.

    Reply
  6. Ross Prochnow
    May 25, 2014 at 8:46 am (4 years ago)

    Thank you so much for sharing. Your letters always help me be thankful for the many blessings that God gives us as we go through life. For our family our children for those whom we are closest to!
    And especially for the hope that we have in Jesus that we will have a wonderful family reunion at the end of our days here on earth.
    God bless you and your family. I pray for you every day.

    Reply
  7. Kevin and Cheryl Smith
    May 26, 2014 at 7:07 pm (3 years ago)

    Awww, Aki, this is precious! Still praying for you every day…and so blessed to see the way you are allowing good to be pressed out of your pain. It reminds me of a flower I once read about and how the sweetest fragrance was only brought forth through severe, extreme pressing and crushing. God is using your brokenness to re-make and re-mold you into an even more useful vessel that He is filling with Himself. The good He is pouring into you is sweetly flowing out into the lives of more people than you will ever be able to count or even realize. He makes everything beautiful in His time…even this, dear one. I know He is holding you especially close during the process.

    Reply
  8. Caroline Harries
    May 28, 2014 at 12:51 pm (3 years ago)

    This video!!! Too cute – I can’t believe you didn’t send me every one of these 😉 I love that it seems like he discovered how to clack his teeth!!! Thanks for being FLAT OUT AMAZING and sharing it with us!

    Reply
  9. Maureen Voosen
    June 4, 2014 at 6:24 am (3 years ago)

    Here’s to all of us finding the love when our little stinkers are being themselves. Thank you again for the video

    Reply

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