These days I often find myself asking questions like ….wait, what just happened?!?!…..Is this real? Is this my life?…. I had a son, a little boy named Kai, right? And he slept in this house and he ate in that chair, and he talked to me and laughed with me and threw tantrums and refused naps and giggled and played…. Right? I carried him in my belly and felt him kick and squirm in there, and he was born and rocked our worlds…….. right? And then, I start thinking about when he got sick….the first time he had a weird episode that we now know was the cancer…. Never in my mind would I have thought it was cancer. How could we know? Should we have known? I honestly don’t think there’s any way we could have known. He was so resilient and darn it kids are always sick so we thought it was just a stomach bug or that he was randomly throwing up because he just did seven forward rolls, a spin jump off the couch, had his dad swing him around in circles upside down…. all after eating like 3 servings of dinner. Anyone would throw up after that…. Wouldn’t they?
It all seems so unreal. A number of days I feel like I’m watching myself go through my day. I am not trying to be, nor do I think I’m being fake – I never, ever want to be fake about this.But, I feel kind of split in two. I think there’s part of me doing well and living the “new normal”, while at the same time, having a very real, very present grieving side is, but I admit it’s such a weird feeling – seeing myself do things and interact and it is all real and is good but then having this part of me inside that is just sobbing and grieving and still trying to comprehend the fact that…. he died.
Is this for real?
Tell me this is an awful, terrible, horrible dream.
Is this for real?
There was a little boy named Kai and he did get sick with ATRT and he passed away.
There was a little boy named Kai, and in June of 2011 Shawn and I were given the utmost privilege to become his parents. And he did rock our worlds…. He still continues to do so. And he was real – his life, his joy, his ups and downs, the amazing-ness of it all, was and is real. Oh how I wish he was still here with us, I miss him with every ounce of my being and I want him to be real here on earth still. But he is – in my heart, in your hearts.
And God has blessed us with little Maya who is this amazing little person we’re starting to see emerge and has her own quirkiness and resilience…. And she reminds us, Kai Kai is real because when we love her we realize how in this crazy unknown way our hearts have grown so much through their two lives — with love of the same unconditional amount, but love for each of them in such different ways for the different people they are.
So I always do come back to the fact that yes, this is real – the pain, the longing, the events that unfolded. But this love for our son is real. And it was created by God and it is stronger and everlasting and will redeem this pain that is so real to us at this moment.
The picture I wanted to share today was a gift to me one day while I was really missing my little boy. I loved taking Kai on walks, we’ve always done that – as a newborn it’s the only way we could get him to sleep and as a toddler it was our time to go take a look outside (and for momma to get some exercise!). Now Maya is in that seat…. And, well it turns out that making yourself comfortable while riding in the stroller is something these two siblings share.