Kai’s 5th Birthday

We are truly overwhelmed by the love and support and celebration of life we’ve seen in honor of Kai’s 5th birthday. It just floors me and makes my heart feel such gratitude and inspiration and I cannot thank you enough for loving our Kai Kai and our family so well. Thank you so very much.

kai's arrival

Kai’s Arrival

Five years ago today, this little nugget entered the world. I always forget how teeny they are. I don’t know how to celebrate my son’s birthday when he’s not physically here so we try and fumble – like much of parenting, we’re absolutely 100% winging it.

It’s difficult for me to express what my head and heart go through on this day and the most driving urge I have is to talk to my little buddy.

Dear Kai Kai,

Happy 5th birthday! We miss you so much little buddy and wish so badly you could be here and we could celebrate you. I think that hit me this morning when we asked Maya what today was and she said Kai Kai’s birthday and Shawn asked her how old is he, and she raised up her little hand with five fingers and said “5!!!”. I think I realized that this could have been the first birthday where the two of you could really celebrate together and both understand – that would have been so much fun.

This birthday would have marked a big milestone for you – graduating pre-K with your buddies and entering Kindergarten this year. I loved getting to see your friends at the graduation, so grown up and goofy and happy.

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Maya helping make your birthday cake today.

And that’s the bittersweet thing about Maya’s milestones…. Kai, your baby sister is now “older” than you were here on earth. We’ve entered new territory – and let me say I think you may have been a little less dramatic of an almost 3 year old than your sister 🙂 I caught myself with Maya thinking “oh, I don’t want her to grow up, I want her to stay like this” and I cut myself off mid-sentence because you didn’t get to grow up and I wish you could have kept growing and changing. Such a weird thing, our hearts overfill with love and joy in moments and we just want things to stay that way forever, but life keeps going and we have to let go. We had to let go of you physically too too too early, but I guess the lesson I’m learning is that I had to let you go physically, and I must let Maya go to grow up, but I can always, forever keep those memories in my heart and mind and through each day my heart can grow bigger and deeper for how much I care for you both.

One day I hope I’ll understand how this all works, but goodness I think you somehow communicate with so many. I know many of your little friends and our “big people” friends talk to you and remember you each day, but your little sister – Kai Kai every day this past month she has said she is sad because she wants Kai Kai here or she misses Kai Kai. Today she got so upset and threw a tantrum saying “Kai Kai’s not really here, he’s not really here, I want him to be here to play with me.” So we watched some more videos of you and talked about how we can always carry you with us in our heart. I wish you could be here next to her bugging her, playing with her, and talking with her – she talks a lot so I have a feeling with the two of you the volume in this house would never have been “quiet”.

IMG_5924Kai, it’s amazing you still impact so many through your short but beautiful life and goodness gracious I am so undeserving to have been chosen to be your mom, but I am so thankful, for each of the days we had together and I love each day I have with you now even though I really, really wish I could hug you while you try to escape and watch you grow.

Kai Kai – as your family we will try our best each day to celebrate your life, love you better, and use the blessings God has given us to honor Him. We miss you terribly, love you unconditionally, and will forever carry you with us.

Happy birthday sweet boy! Love you.IMG_4782

 

 

8 Comments on Kai’s 5th Birthday

  1. Kristin Hampsten
    June 27, 2016 at 8:59 pm (1 year ago)

    Happy birthday, Kai. And thank you, Aki, for the reminder to appreciate what we have every moment. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out with all the volume but I’m really only thinking about myself. You are a God send, and so is your son.

    Reply
  2. Uncle Michael
    June 27, 2016 at 9:12 pm (1 year ago)

    We miss Kai so much and think about him every day. Maya’s love for Kai (even the tantrum today) is such awesome evidence of how the 3 of you continue to talk about him, look at pictures and videos, celebrate him, and miss him every day. He is always a part of our family. And now we have June 7, 17th, and 27th birthdays for the kids. What is the deal with the 7’s?

    Anyways, you guys are amazing parents and Jesus is no doubt celebrating Kai’s birthday today in style!

    Miss you Kai!

    Reply
  3. Stacie Smith
    June 27, 2016 at 9:25 pm (1 year ago)

    Oh, what a beautiful letter to Kai. The love he continues to spread without even being physically here is quite astounding.

    Happy 5th birthday, Kai. I wish I could have known you here on earth.

    Much love to your whole family today and always.

    Stacie Smith

    Reply
  4. Heather
    June 28, 2016 at 5:44 am (1 year ago)

    Happy birthday, Kai! We think of you so often and talk about you with Gage. We tell him the stories of your friendship in school and how much you two loved playing together. Much love to you and your family.

    Reply
  5. Erin Kremkus
    June 28, 2016 at 10:08 am (1 year ago)

    Happy Birthday Kai! We miss you and wish we could celebrate this milestone with you! Thank you for sharing your heart, Aki!! You and Shawn and Maya are such special people! Lots of love to you!

    Reply
  6. Kathy
    June 28, 2016 at 12:25 pm (1 year ago)

    My heart is heavy and the tears flow from reading the beautiful blog and comments. Love You Kai, Mia.

    Reply
  7. Kara Klement
    July 8, 2016 at 2:41 pm (1 year ago)

    Aki,
    Somehow I never did the math and realized that Kai and James would have been in the same grade. I know he feeling of watching the other children we played with graduating from pre-k. Oh how I wish Kai and James were here. You honor him so well. I always think that somehow, they must have met each other in Heaven and are playing together.

    ❤️ To your family,
    Kara Klement (James Sikes’ mommy)

    Reply
  8. Mo
    June 27, 2017 at 1:32 pm (5 months ago)

    Sun’s out, Kai’s out! Happy Birthday

    Reply

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