A number of you have been asking about the story that was read by Kai’s teachers at his celebration and I’m so sorry I’ve been meaning to post it on here sooner than now! I was sent this story by a friend from primary school and it definitely struck a chord with us. I’m not sure the background on it or anything, but I think it’s a pretty beautiful story.
Posts Tagged ‘Grieve with hope’
Thanks to the thoughtful and kind suggestion made on this site by a fellow mother who lost her son, we were connected to a grief support center called The Christi Center here in Austin. Tonight we went. As everyone told us, we’re still in the shock phase. I agree. Everything is surreal. It feels like a fog many times and I feel so bad that sometimes I’m not quite sure what I’m saying in conversation or I try to put the dishtowels in the fridge (but maybe that’s Maya’s fault because she started eating the cabinets while I was doing laundry).
The caring and kind people we met tonight welcomed us and were willing to share their journey and story so that we could see that yes, the pain will never leave you, but that doesn’t mean you live without hope. I didn’t know quite what to say, I don’t remember what I said. It was really really hard saying the words that Kai isn’t here, I realized I hadn’t had to say that out loud to anyone yet. I could barely whisper it.
But you know what, Love wins again. The way they have everyone introduce themselves is by saying, I’m Aki, and I’m here for the LOVE of my son, Kai. The LOVE. It hurts so much because we love them so much. And I’m never, ever going to stop loving Kai. And to be honest I’m not sure what that’s going to look like — maybe it will be everchanging. But, it’s made me realize, or maybe hope, that it doesn’t have to be awkward or taboo to celebrate someone who is gone. I think I’ve never known what to say when someone’s experienced a loss – and the people we met tonight who could definitely understand what we felt also admitted that truly there are no words. But, we can love and care for each other – and when I think about it like that, it seems so simple. When we experience grief, anxiousness, suffering, joy, triumph, success and all of the other emotions we go through in a lifetime, we need/want love and care from others in whatever form that may take. This may be a crowd of friends or simply the ultimate, supernatural peace of God in a prayer when we don’t even know what to pray.
I hope that it’s ok to share Kai with others for the rest of my lifetime and keep him alive in my heart and maybe I just write all this to let you know that even if you may see tears in me or anyone else that is grieving, it’s just because I love him….and that’s a good thing, it’s bigger than the pain….. it means Love wins.
I feel like God had Kai give us a little love today because He knew we were struggling…. Maya was playing with Kai’s alphabet blocks and I heard her knock a bunch to the ground. She then army crawled her way over to me and dropped one at my lap….it was the letter “K”. She smiled at me knowingly and I smiled back and I could feel Kai smiling too.
Sun’s out, Kai’s out! After a crazy day of a weather yesterday, we are enjoying a beautiful day here in Austin. It’s admittedly bittersweet because a day like this would mean a full day outside with Kai running, jumping, climbing, and laughing and we are missing that right now. I have talked about trying to be sure and choose life in these times but I will say – it can be so stinkin’ hard. In the mornings I just wish sometimes I could bury my head under the covers and let the grief take over. and yesterday, the day that marked one week from when sweet Kai went to Heaven, I really felt overcome by dark and choosing life seemed so hard.
But in a somewhat weird sounding twist, God helped/forced me to choose life – baby Maya needed us. With a shriek she woke me, which told me she wasn’t feeling well, so I had no choice but to choose life and see Maya and learned she had a fever. Baby Maya stayed curled up on me all morning just like her brother used to do when he was sick – it was a little hard hearing those cries that I couldn’t decipher to understand what was causing her pain because it made me think of all of those days I didn’t know why Kai was in such pain. But at the end of the day, Maya had a few smiles even through the fever and the sun came out and I told her “sun’s out, Kai’s out!” and she smiled so big.
I think a lot of things will continue or maybe always be bittersweet to us now, things that just make our hearts ache but also smile when we remember Kai. So I thought it was appropriate to post this video of Kai and Maya about a month after Maya was born – God is using both Kai and Maya to help us see/choose life – it feels like moving through mud but then I can see these smiles and that love and joy just miraculously brings a light to the dark.
And I realize this may sound cliché or repetitive or just not sufficient, but all of the cards, emails, texts, comments, messages, phone calls, prayers we’ve been receiving this week have been lifting us up so much. You all are amazing – you’re showing the good and life in all of this – thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.
It’s hard to know how to start this entry – it’s hard to know how to do a lot of things these days. We’re home, we’re participating in parts of what was our “normal” routine, but everything – every.single.thing – is completely different. We have Kai’s little blankets that he always had at home and at the hospital (his owls, bees, and “rawrs” as he called them) laid between our pillows, it may seem silly but it’s comforting for us right now.
Looking back we now realize how sick little Kai was before we ended up admitted to the hospital. But even more so we’ve realized how stubborn and resilient this little guy was – he wasn’t going to let some cancer stop him from living life and loving people! He would try and play like almost normal and then would all of sudden just start crying and just collapse in our arms needing us to hold him. We had no idea what was going on at the time, but just knew he needed us.
We’re not really sure how to even to start again. It’s not getting “back” to normal, we have a new normal but I’m not sure what that looks like, I think that it will continue to change, but Kai will always be with us. I’ve been telling Maya when the sun comes out “sun’s out, Kai’s out!” and she smiles. I feel like somehow the littlest ones are able to connect with God on a level those of us who have seen more of the brokenness of this world cannot.
We hurt a lot. And Shawn and I have talked a lot about how easy it can be to just fall into the “we’ll never get to experience ____ with him” and “he’s not here” and “I should have ____” but we can’t stay in those places, right? Maybe it’s kind of like Kai, we’re sick with grief and not sure what’s going on, but when we collapse, God has been holding us: providing us support through your prayers, friends and family keeping us company, bringing us meals, hugs, laughter and so much more, through providing a friend who has connected us to start grief counseling, and through baby Maya who somehow has learned to do the fish face and also created her version of a stink face at 7.5 months old.
This may sound kind of dumb, but I’m not sure how to pray for Kai these days, but we do pray for Kai. My sister in law said to just tell God that and he’ll show us. So we are kind of fumbling and stumbling with prayers and with the little things every day, but we’re committed to trying and God, I just thank you for being so generous to us and pray you’ll continue to be with us and help us move forward and choose life and love even amidst tears or confusion. Thank you again so much for Kai’s life and all of the good we’ve witnessed.
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