I’ve gone back and forth on if I should post this — I worry alot that it will seem that I am trying to get attention or sympathy through these posts and I don’t want that to be the message. I often question why I post, and truthfully it’s because I hope somehow, some way it helps – helps someone else not feel alone in similar emotions, helps other maybe understand more about a situation that maybe someone else in their life has encountered, and also offer hope and a reminder that we’re all in this together and we all each have our story. So I pray that those intentions are what come across.
Today, June 27, 2014 would have been Kai’s 4th birthday. We have missed him so much today but have much to celebrate in this day.
Dear Kai Kai,
I can’t believe it’s been 4 years since you were born. You were so tiny and I couldn’t believe God had actually entrusted me, the non-maternal instinct girl, with the precious gift and great responsibility of you. I wish I could give you such a big hug today to wish you a happy birthday and take you to the park and run, jump, and play with you and Maya. I can only imagine how adventurous you would be and then your baby sister would be trying her darndest to keep up with you. I often try to imagine how the two of you would be together – in my head it’s the best mix of the two of you keeping each other on your toes, annoying each other like only siblings can, and then fiercely protecting each other no matter what.
Kai Kai – I miss you so much and I’m so so sorry that I do not know how to celebrate this day with you not here. This day should be celebrated – it was the start of your life here, the day you changed everything. And I am so thankful for that day. I am joyous of that day. It’s just that you should be here so we can celebrate together. I want to see how you’ve grown up and not just imagine it. I want to talk to you, hear what you think, see what you find funny, and learn more about who you are.
It’s weird Kai, sometimes when we’re doing something, usually it’s outside and the sun is so bright, I just “see” you – and it’s like I see you as you would be now and I’m not even trying to imagine it. You’re just there. Little skinny legs, a less pronounced Buddha belly, running so fast. You’re always leading the way and I don’t see your face. Kai Kai – I wish we could be allowed to just have you for a second just to give you a hug on this day – I know it wouldn’t be enough for me, but oh just a second. One second more. But I know you’re ok. You’re better than ok. Maybe it’s just that we’re not ok without you when the distance between heaven and earth must separate us.
Kai, I celebrate your life, your amazing life that you lived in your short time with us. I wish I could have loved you better, not been such a broken human, but please know how much I love you. I don’t know why it matters that I want you to know this because the love you now know from God is all you need. Maybe I just want to tell you that I love you so much because it’s what will always connect us, it’s what does connect us and your dad and I will always keep loving you in our imperfect ways.
Happy, happy birthday sweet Kai. Four years – you’ve been part of our hearts for four years and you know what, that’s what we have to celebrate today – no one can take that away. We love you Kai Kai, today and forever.