Two years ago today our Kai Kai went home. The memories of March 2014 have been continuously swirling through my mind these few weeks more present and intense than other days.
As my heart processes these memories I seem to only see those moments I wish I could have been there more for him. There is one moment when we were transferring him from PICU up to the floor where he would pass away and he was trying to respond – we told him look Kai, the sun is out, and I remember he tried to look towards it. We saw him move and turn towards it, but he couldn’t open his eyes, he couldn’t wake up all the way. I wish I had thought in that moment to tell him I loved him. Maybe I did, but I don’t think I did. I was just trying to see if he could wake up, or understand what was happening to him. I know that I never, ever could have loved him perfectly and that I would always make mistakes, but it is hard knowing that I fell short so many times — I remember saying, I will make this up to him. But, I didn’t get that chance.
In my moments of disbelief I often turn to the pictures I have of Kai Kai and to the videos so I can hear his voice. I came across this series of pictures below. I saw it just as I was thinking to myself how do we keep running this race when it feels like each day our hearts truly can’t do another lap? We all have dreams and sometimes those dreams don’t turn out the way we had hoped. We wonder, what does this mean? What do I do now?
It isn’t the end. I believe we’re called and are given the strength to still live a life of true joy and purpose even if it is bittersweet. This life isn’t about getting everything we want, and I’m learning about what it means to accept and live with the impact of this loss while trying to learn how to keep a wounded heart still open to the possibilities of what this path may bring. I can’t change the past and rewrite this story, but I am praying and hoping that this suffering can be used for good.
As you’ll see below, in all of these pictures Maya is crying like crazy – Maya had that tendency a lot in her first few months. I think we all have that part of us inside that we wish we could just cry and scream like that every day so people would know that we hurt, we are angry, we are sad, and this isn’t what we want. And then you’ll see Kai, he starts out stink face and ends in joy and I think that pretty much sums up how maybe some of us feel when all we want to do is cry until we get what we want but we realize that this isn’t how this life works. We must work through this and accept it, and we will eventually get there – and we don’t have to do it alone. God truly gives rest to the weary and provides community for each of us to take turns lifting each other up and leaning on each other in times of need.
Kai Kai we miss you more than we can ever express and we love you more each day. The sun was so bright today and I hope you saw your little sis drawing her “game” for you with the many colors of chalk. Love you Kai monkey. Love you forever