When I think of Kai and the grief hurts and sadness hits harder, I often then feel this desire to “fight” –, fight for those things that matter, fight to good, love well….. to serve God in this life. I stumble and fumble a lot in these efforts and I don’t know what I’m doing, especially these last months, but I want to do better. Today is Kai’s birthday and I love this little guy and I miss him and I renew my promise to him that I will try my best to honor his life by living this one well. We love you Kai!


Dear Kai,

Happy birthday my sweet boy! I cannot believe that today you would have turned 6. An almost first grader – sometimes I truly cannot believe that you aren’t here and we don’t get to see you hit these milestones. I shake my head and say did this all really happen? Your dad and I were talking last night and your dad articulated this feeling we’ve been struggling with since you’ve been gone. I hope you know, I think you know, that we have never, ever stopped loving you and we are always your mom and dad. Our love for you grows more each day and it’s an active, dynamic love – but we don’t get to “give” it to you – we can’t hug you or take you to see something new or teach you something or talk with you or cuddle with you – those little things we all do to show someone we care. We have all this love to give you but we can’t here. I so wish we could.

the three siblings – even Edie making a crazy face. Photo: Susan Uccello

Your youngest sister joined us this year and she shares your name as well as your old room – thank you for sharing it Kai Kai :-). Maya, Edie and I are in there a lot and I remember your shenanigans in there and I tell Maya about them – like when I came in and saw your stuffed animals facing the corner – you said it was time out because they didn’t listen (ha!) or when I came in and you were jumping on your bed but whispering a song so that it was having “quiet time”…. not exactly what I had meant by quiet time, but pretty genius. Your room is such a special space and your absence is palpable Kai, goodness you would be so good with these two crazy girls – you have your own brand of crazy and energy that’s for sure, but I can only imagine the worlds you and Maya would be creating and I bet hands down you would be so much gentler with Edie than your nutty sister. I remember how gentle and kind you were with baby Maya – it blew me away! We miss you big brother. Maya asks for you so much – especially when Edie’s main activity was crying. Kai, there are no words. I love you, I miss you, I wish you were here. I celebrate your life and goodness gracious I’m so thankful for those two and a half years. I thank God for this day when He brought you here to us and we will love you forever Kai, and every day more until the day we meet again. Happy birthday little buddy.

Love, Mom