December 2014 – Sun's out, Kai's Out

It was a beautiful day today – the sun was out and we made the most of it by going on on walks with the family, taking out the biggest kite we’ve ever seen (thanks Richard!) and spending time at the “blue park” as Kai called it where Maya and her cousins made many, many laughter filled trips up and down the slides. A day of mixed emotions – so incredibly much to be thankful for, our cups truly overflowing, but simultaneously a stark emptiness felt from Kai’s absence and the pain still resonating so deep. Shawn said it so well – everything now to some degree feels broken and incomplete and I think that’s just us feeling the reality of this world.

But we go to bed now, with hope and joy in our hearts even if a tear may come along and we are so, so, so thankful for today and the moments we’ve been lucky enough to experience in this life.

Tonight we wanted to include Kai in our Christmas celebration. Kai loved Christmas lights and sparklers, so it seemed only fitting that if Kai’s up in Heaven celebrating, I’m pretty sure he found a way to probably find the best sparklers ever. So we read aloud the poem below (thank you Kathy for sharing this on fb) and then lit up sparklers to celebrate Christmas with Kai. And thanks to Aunt Caroline, Uncle Colby, Uncle Michael and Shawn, we had some fun with “sparkler” writing that maybe, just maybe Kai somehow could see.

We wish you all a wonderful holiday and thank God for you and the hope you bring us each day.

My First Christmas in Heaven (Author Unknown)

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear an angel sing.

I can’t tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I’ll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love;
So then pray for one another,
As you lift your eyes above.

Please let your heart be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I’m walking with the King!

I know how much you miss me;
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I’m not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love.

After all “love” is the gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings
Or the love He has for you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear.
Remember I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

-Author Unknown

Is this thing still on? In the spirit of a difficult but wonderful Thanksgiving, here is some thanks…

Everyday I am thankful for Kai. He is the one who changed our lives most significantly. Not when he left this world, but when he entered it.

Everyday I am thankful for Maya. She does a lot of things that remind us of Kai. She has similar dance moves and makes the same noises. From another room those giggles and laughs and baby talk can sound just like Kai. On a daily basis Maya asks (demands) to watch videos of Kai and so we wonder how much of the similarity is innate and how much she has learned from her big brother. We are so fortunate to have enough little videos that Maya can know her brother a little bit. But then she can be so different, which is probably a good thing. We need to make sure not to judge her behavior based on Kai’s. We need to be careful that we don’t overlook her uniqueness fearing that it could diminish her big brother in our memory.

Everyday I am thankful for Aki. Her selflessness and love always seems to outweigh any varying levels of stress, pain, and drain in any of her days. She takes care of everybody before herself and is a rock as we all continue forward.

Everyday I am thankful for family, friends, and strangers that provide comfort, love, and support to our family and to others. There are so many people in need of something and I see that more clearly now. We can’t all support everything, of course, so seeing everybody support something is what we need.

We have some pictures of Maya and Kai on our wall at the base of the stairs. When we walk past with Maya she often yells “Kai Kai!” or she tells him “Hi!” or “Bye!”. This is a picture of her talking to the picture on the wall. First she talks to the baby (which she doesn’t understand is her) and then she talks to Kai. I love that she is looking at him and then the picture of Kai on the floor looks like he is looking at her. I love these kids!

Month: December 2014

First Christmas

Thankful