Kai’s 5th Birthday

We are truly overwhelmed by the love and support and celebration of life we’ve seen in honor of Kai’s 5^th birthday. It just floors me and makes my heart feel such gratitude and inspiration and I cannot thank you enough for loving our Kai Kai and our family so well. Thank you so very much.

Five years ago today, this little nugget entered the world. I always forget how teeny they are. I don’t know how to celebrate my son’s birthday when he’s not physically here so we try and fumble – like much of parenting, we’re absolutely 100% winging it.

It’s difficult for me to express what my head and heart go through on this day and the most driving urge I have is to talk to my little buddy.

Dear Kai Kai,

Happy 5^th birthday! We miss you so much little buddy and wish so badly you could be here and we could celebrate you. I think that hit me this morning when we asked Maya what today was and she said Kai Kai’s birthday and Shawn asked her how old is he, and she raised up her little hand with five fingers and said “5!!!”. I think I realized that this could have been the first birthday where the two of you could really celebrate together and both understand – that would have been so much fun.

This birthday would have marked a big milestone for you – graduating pre-K with your buddies and entering Kindergarten this year. I loved getting to see your friends at the graduation, so grown up and goofy and happy.

And that’s the bittersweet thing about Maya’s milestones…. Kai, your baby sister is now “older” than you were here on earth. We’ve entered new territory – and let me say I think you may have been a little less dramatic of an almost 3 year old than your sister 🙂 I caught myself with Maya thinking “oh, I don’t want her to grow up, I want her to stay like this” and I cut myself off mid-sentence because you didn’t get to grow up and I wish you could have kept growing and changing. Such a weird thing, our hearts overfill with love and joy in moments and we just want things to stay that way forever, but life keeps going and we have to let go. We had to let go of you physically too too too early, but I guess the lesson I’m learning is that I had to let you go physically, and I must let Maya go to grow up, but I can always, forever keep those memories in my heart and mind and through each day my heart can grow bigger and deeper for how much I care for you both.

One day I hope I’ll understand how this all works, but goodness I think you somehow communicate with so many. I know many of your little friends and our “big people” friends talk to you and remember you each day, but your little sister – Kai Kai every day this past month she has said she is sad because she wants Kai Kai here or she misses Kai Kai. Today she got so upset and threw a tantrum saying “Kai Kai’s not really here, he’s not really here, I want him to be here to play with me.” So we watched some more videos of you and talked about how we can always carry you with us in our heart. I wish you could be here next to her bugging her, playing with her, and talking with her – she talks a lot so I have a feeling with the two of you the volume in this house would never have been “quiet”.

Kai, it’s amazing you still impact so many through your short but beautiful life and goodness gracious I am so undeserving to have been chosen to be your mom, but I am so thankful, for each of the days we had together and I love each day I have with you now even though I really, really wish I could hug you while you try to escape and watch you grow.

Kai Kai – as your family we will try our best each day to celebrate your life, love you better, and use the blessings God has given us to honor Him. We miss you terribly, love you unconditionally, and will forever carry you with us.

Happy birthday sweet boy! Love you.