Thanks to the thoughtful and kind suggestion made on this site by a fellow mother who lost her son, we were connected to a grief support center called The Christi Center here in Austin. Tonight we went. As everyone told us, we’re still in the shock phase. I agree. Everything is surreal. It feels like a fog many times and I feel so bad that sometimes I’m not quite sure what I’m saying in conversation or I try to put the dishtowels in the fridge (but maybe that’s Maya’s fault because she started eating the cabinets while I was doing laundry).

The caring and kind people we met tonight welcomed us and were willing to share their journey and story so that we could see that yes, the pain will never leave you, but that doesn’t mean you live without hope. I didn’t know quite what to say, I don’t remember what I said. It was really really hard saying the words that Kai isn’t here, I realized I hadn’t had to say that out loud to anyone yet. I could barely whisper it.

But you know what, Love wins again. The way they have everyone introduce themselves is by saying, I’m Aki, and I’m here for the LOVE of my son, Kai. The LOVE. It hurts so much because we love them so much.  And I’m never, ever going to stop loving Kai. And to be honest I’m not sure what that’s going to look like — maybe it will be everchanging. But, it’s made me realize, or maybe hope, that it doesn’t have to be awkward or taboo to celebrate someone who is gone. I think I’ve never known what to say when someone’s experienced a loss – and the people we met tonight who could definitely understand what we felt also admitted that truly there are no words. But, we can love and care for each other – and when I think about it like that, it seems so simple. When we experience grief, anxiousness, suffering, joy, triumph, success and all of the other emotions we go through in a lifetime, we need/want love and care from others in whatever form that may take. This may be a crowd of friends or simply the ultimate, supernatural peace of God in a prayer when we don’t even know what to pray.

I hope that it’s ok to share Kai with others for the rest of my lifetime and keep him alive in my heart and maybe I just write all this to let you know that even if you may see tears in me or anyone else that is grieving, it’s just because I love him….and that’s a good thing, it’s bigger than the pain….. it means Love wins.K block 3.31.2014

I feel like God had Kai give us a little love today because He knew we were struggling…. Maya was playing with Kai’s alphabet blocks and I heard her knock a bunch to the ground. She then army crawled her way over to me and dropped one at my lap….it was the letter “K”. She smiled at me knowingly and I smiled back and I could feel Kai smiling too.

16 Comments on Lifting Up

  1. I think it is wonderful that you keep Kai’s memory alive. I do think he had a hand in that letter being dropped in your lap. God knows just what we need. I am continuing to hold your family up in prayer. You are a great inspiration to me.

  2. Oh, how precious! What a sweet, little reminder of your dear boy’s presence! He will always be in your heart. So thankful you were able to be with those who share your sorrow. It helps to know that you are not alone. You are touching lives by your transparency and the sharing of your heart here. Praying for you every day and trusting God to hold you especially close to His loving heart.

  3. I think Maya might be probing what we spoke about – that children have a special and different connection to God then we do as adults. What an amazing sign. Please keep sharing your stories of Kai and your love for him. We’ll cry and laugh alongside you, and keep him alive in our hearts, too.

  4. Hugs!! Love wins, & may HOPE in the promise of eternal life bring you comfort. Prayers & love, dear one.

  5. We are holding you in our love and prayers. What a beautiful and precious sign God gifted you with through Maya…

  6. You both are truely amazing…God’s love is surely with you and this gift is spreading to those around you…

  7. Aki – as always, your words are honest and beautiful. I am glad you went to the Christi Center. Your experience and grief are like no other – day by day you must take it all in and process it as you go. I miss you.

  8. Aki– Thank you for posting how y’all are doing. It gives us the ability to pray accurate and timely prayers. Thanks also for the part about Maya giving you the block with the letter “K.” What a kiss from heaven you received. Yes, Kai was smiling, too. Blessings to y’all as you go forward.

  9. Thank you for sharing Kai with us. Throughout this journal, you have been so eloquent in expressing your feelings, your stories, your hopes. Love does win and I’m so happy you got your moment with Maya and the K block. What a wonderful thing.

  10. Thank you so much for continuing to share your heart with us. Your grace and strength are inspiring in so many ways.

  11. What wonderful words you have shared! I love reading them! Your words teach and inspire others, including me.

  12. You, my sweet sister in law, and brother are amazing. Every post, despite the grief and the pain, is filled with so much hope, faith, and love. Thank you for the encouraging words for me to keep on keeping on!

  13. Through one of the mothers’ groups I attend we were attending a small kids Easter praise service. At the end, they spoke of choosing love over hate and life over death, and Kai and your family an your amazing faith came to mind. Jut to say we are thinking of you, and admire you in that through this pain such love comes through. Sending even more love your way

  14. I think of Kai and your family often. I am amazed and inspired by all of your strength, Kai had it in spades and you can see it came from you all!
    I am glad your acknowledge the period of shock, it will be a long haul but you are surrounded by family and friends who LOVE YOU ALL so much!
    LOVE WINS, stay faithful and strong

  15. It’s good you have gotten in touch the Christi Center. When I was 15 I attended group meetings there to help me cope with a traumatic death of a loved one. When I was there I was told that the pain and loss will always be there, but that eventually you learn to function and feel love, hope and faith around that hole in your heart. You will. You all are in my prayers.

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