Sun’s out, Kai’s out! After a crazy day of a weather yesterday, we are enjoying a beautiful day here in Austin. It’s admittedly bittersweet because a day like this would mean a full day outside with Kai running, jumping, climbing, and laughing and we are missing that right now. I have talked about trying to be sure and choose life in these times but I will say – it can be so stinkin’ hard. In the mornings I just wish sometimes I could bury my head under the covers and let the grief take over. and yesterday, the day that marked one week from when sweet Kai went to Heaven, I really felt overcome by dark and choosing life seemed so hard.

But in a somewhat weird sounding twist, God helped/forced me to choose life – baby Maya needed us. With a shriek she woke me, which told me she wasn’t feeling well, so I had no choice but to choose life and see Maya and learned she had a fever. Baby Maya stayed curled up on me all morning just like her brother used to do when he was sick – it was a little hard hearing those cries that I couldn’t decipher to understand what was causing her pain because it made me think of all of those days I didn’t know why Kai was in such pain. But at the end of the day, Maya had a few smiles even through the fever and the sun came out and I told her “sun’s out, Kai’s out!” and she smiled so big.

I think a lot of things will continue or maybe always be bittersweet to us now, things that just make our hearts ache but also smile when we remember Kai. So I thought it was appropriate to post this video of Kai and Maya about a month after Maya was born – God is using both Kai and Maya to help us see/choose life – it feels like moving through mud but then I can see these smiles and that love and joy just miraculously brings a light to the dark.

And I realize this may sound cliché or repetitive or just not sufficient, but all of the cards, emails, texts, comments, messages, phone calls, prayers we’ve been receiving this week have been lifting us up so much. You all are amazing – you’re showing the good and life in all of this – thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

15 Comments on One Week

  1. Beautifully written as always. Your courage is inspirational – Maya and Kai are so lucky to have parents with such strength and love.

  2. I think of you and pray for you both to be strong through this intense time of grief. It can be nothing but intense because the loss is so great. Thank God for precious Maya who loves and adores you and needs you so much. She is blessed to have such tender and wise parents.

  3. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. May the Lord continue to comfort and walk with you each moment. Little Maya is a blessing who will learn about her wonderful big brother from you.

  4. You have constantly been in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad to hear the sun is out today.

  5. Wonderful video of Kai and baby Maya! Thank you for sharing. We continue to pray for keeping that awesome strength and positive attitude.

  6. I was thinking of Kai during our drive home today. Happy to come home to a new video. Thank you as always for sharing him with us.

  7. Thank you for allowing us to continue on this journey with you. It is such a privilege and an awesome honor to stand so close by and eavesdrop on the intimate conversations between your hearts and God’s. Your sharing permits us to pray so much more specifically, Aki and Shawn. May God continue to “supply all your needs” as we love and pray for you EVERY day.

  8. There was a double rainbow up here in Portland yesterday– thinking of you guys. We’re still listening.

  9. There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not lift you in prayer. It seems like such a small thing, when your hearts are so broken. But, the One to Whom we pray is the Great Physician…the Great Healer of broken hearts. So thankful little Maya is there with you…that you have her to cuddle and love and care for. What a blessing she must be to you now! I am glad you continue to write here and update all of us so that we know you are okay….as “okay” as anyone could be. Jesus is with you. He holds you close….just like you hold little Maya. He hears your cries…just like you hear hers. And just as you ran to her to minister to her needs when you heard her cry, He does the same when He hears yours. He pulls you even closer to His great, loving heart and does His utmost to console you and dry your tears. Just let Him hold you and show you how very much He loves you. You are very precious to Him.

  10. I know of you through a friend. Your courage, vulnerability and strength are humbling. What a lesson for all of us, that even on the darkest days we should choose life and keep barreling through. You are in my prayers that your broken heart may find peace, healing and comfort through this journey that is life. Lots of hugs for you.

  11. May God bless y’all with His caring Presence as you walk through these days.

  12. Aki, love the video. Thanks for sharing it. We are thinking of you and your family.

  13. “To pray together, in whatever tongue or ritual, is the most tender union of hope and sympathy that we can contract in this life.” Know you are all in our thoughts, hearts, and prayers as you continue on this journey of healing. Our love to you and your family.

  14. May God hold you and keep you and never let you go. May you grieve as a mother is suppose to grieve. Stay close to Shawn and Maya, helping each other through this unbearable time. Love on them as if there was no tomorrow. Talk to God as He knows everything already; leaning on Him for all that you need. Hugs, love, prayers, and blessings are coming your way! Your story brings us all to tears, but keep sharing it with us as we do care. Abrazos, mi amiga!

  15. i just finished my devotions and wanted to share a couple of things that i read that will hopefully help you. Jesus’s name means The Lord saves and Emmanuel means God with us. Jesus says “Talk with Me about whatever delights you, whatever upsets you, whatever is on your mind. I will keep you close to Me on the path of life.” “Come to Me when you are hurting, and I will soothe your pain. Come to Me when you are joyful, and I will share your joy, multiplying it many times over. I am all you need, just when you need it.”

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