I’m not sure why I’m posting this here. I sat down to write a few notes to Kai…for myself…and here I am copying it here. Feel free to skip this and go straight to a new video that we’ll post.


I love you so much. I miss you so much. I am crushed that you are not here to enjoy life here as well as to enrich the lives of everybody that loves you. You are in such a better place, but it still hurts so much. It’s surreal that you were here and then so quickly you left us. I so much regret that I wasn’t able to have an “adult” conversation with you about how much I love you. I hope that you know that was the case. I so much regret that I wasn’t able to shield you from the pain of this disease. I so much regret that if we had been as aggressive as your disease that we could potentially could have caught your disease sooner.
I think about you all the time. Sometimes I can only think about the end. That is incredibly painful, but that should not define you. That was a short portion of your life. Up until that point you were a tremendous energy. I love that you were reserved and often liked to do things on your own, yet you always demonstrated pure sweetness and innocence the way you cared that everybody else was taken care of. I loved your willingness to share (usually) your toys with your friends.

  • I loved your insistence that you share a bite of nearly every snack with mom or myself, regardless of whether it had been on the floor or already in your mouth.
  • I cherish the love that you showed for your sister, always wanting to include her and do whatever you could to help her stop crying.
  • I love that you couldn’t watch more than 2 minutes of television without losing interest, yet you could endlessly watch YouTube videos about construction vehicles, dump trucks, and garbage trucks.
  • I love that some of those videos were in Russian and that once or twice you referred to a construction vehicle by its Russian name (we assume).
  • I love (in hindsight) that no matter how exhausted I was in the morning, I could never convince you to lay in bed with us and rest. Never.
  • I love that you could be playing outside, near your friends, and flip a switch deciding that you were done and it’s time to go inside and eat. I can see that Maya will inhale her food as she grows up, just like you.
  • I love that you still insisted on milk every single morning out of a baby bottle, for reasons that will forever be unknown.
  • I loved coming home from work and hearing you yell “Daddy!” from the other room. I love seeing Maya make the same face today every time that mom enters the room.
  • I love that I could not take out the ladder around the house without you insisting on climbing up with me.
  • I loved watching you on the video monitor as you sat there in the morning waiting for your alarm clock to light up green, meaning it was okay to get out of bed. We still see your alarm clock light up green.
  • I love that you grabbed canned drinks out of the kitchen and handed them out to us and to visitors, regardless of whether or not we wanted them.
  • I love the videos of you and mom that she would send occasionally. I love watching them today.
These are all small things. But these are the everyday things that are no longer there. I miss all of these things and I miss you. Life is far too quiet now, but I am grateful that we still see glimpses of you in everyday life. I know that your friends are still talking to you and I know that you are still looking after them.



13 Comments on Miss you

  1. XOXO, Shawn. We love you guys. Those are great memories of Kai you will always have. He IS so loved!

  2. Such precious memories…so heart-wrenching to know that your heart is so broken. You and Aki are so strong. It may not feel like it, and perhaps you grow tired of being told that, but it is so true, dear ones! You are strong, and the love you feel for your children is even stronger. So thankful you did choose to share your thoughts here. It is so therapeutic and healing to open up to others and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. God is using you…even now…even in this. Still praying for you every day and trusting God to do what we cannot.

  3. Shawn:

    This is beautiful, though filled with pain. To the extent I can, I am grieving with you. I pray for you several times a day. I pray God is showing and speaking his love and care to you the way you did to Kai. You are a fantastic father and Kai knew that. Eugene

  4. Those are beautiful memories. What a sweet, amazing child. I wish there was something anyone could to do to make this less painful. You and Aki are in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Annie and Jesse

  5. Loved this post Shawn! And the video, he was awesome on those rings, such a gymnast! : )

  6. I just took on picture on your train, friend <3 It was great to feel the sunshine on my skin, hear all the children laughing and know that you were there 🙂

  7. Beautiful post Shawn. I laughed out loud about the Russian construction vehicles! We really enjoyed the video too, precious.

  8. As always, your posts are beautiful. thank you for being willing to share your wonderful memories,, videos and pictures. the three of you are in our thoughts each and every day.

  9. I love all of these memories. I hope you keep posting them and although there is pain that you won’t make more, I hope your heart warms with joy for the 2.5 years you have of these beautiful memories. I have NO doubt Kai knew exactly how much you (and everyone else) loved him. He has the most amazing parents and I’m 100% sure your love for him was definitely recognized by him – that is all he knew – love! Love wins. Cute video too – what a gymnast – he was so talented in many ways. xoxo

    PS. The enemy is going to make you think it’s your fault for not being able to take away the pain and for giving you only thoughts from the last 2 weeks, but remember it’s from the enemy! Love has won – dismiss those thoughts and focus on the sweet memories, like these here and this video – and the 100 and something good weeks you had with him! xoxo

  10. Please keep writing your thoughts for all of us who read them, but more for yourself and your family. As time passes, you will be so happy that you can reread all of your memories and thoughts of Kai. These thoughts and words are treasures that you will be so happy you have to remind yourself of Kai. I continue to pray for you and hope that you feel our love. Blessings to you!

  11. We do reflections at work before meetings. Today, I asked to read out loud “The Brave Little Soul”. I have read it over multiple times to myself. Speaking the words out loud was harder than I thought. My voice kept trembling. I often think of Kai when I am running and he tends to give me the full array of emotions. I start with being slightly angry, then sad to the point of crying, then a big smile. For me it always seems to go in that order and I am unsure why. I have a feeling he will always be with me when I run. Reminding what is truly important, what love really is, and the beauty of each day. I love you guys. Thank you for sharing this post.

  12. Amazing post. Amazing. We all love so much about Kai’s life, spirit, personality, and mannerisms…
    Thanks for sharing – it gives even more insight into your love for him and also how we can celebrate his life with joy and smiles. Miss you Kai Kai. So much.

  13. We should all write such wonderfully amazing and hertfelt letters to our children. Thank you for sharing yours.

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