I keep thinking each post will be the last post but then I keep feeling the nudge to post an update of some sort. I think I’m pretty nervous about this one, but maybe that’s the normal fear in being honest.

Through all of this, I’ve realized a lot of old “wants” and desires don’t really exist or mean very little to me now. But, I still want a lot…maybe even more than before.

I want to see Kai’s face, I want to feed him breakfast and fix his lunch. I want him to show me his new trick of how he’s balancing on one leg then does his variation of an Irish jig to switch to the other foot. I want to put his socks on his little feet and help him put on his “daddy” shoes (his running shoes that look almost like his dad’s). I want him to tell me that Maya needs a diaper with Elmo on it and not the one with just a heart. I want to be so exhausted from the day because I’ve been carrying him and Maya, running down the street after him, or tired from the climbing the stairs multiple times because he’s somehow made himself poop twice during nap time in efforts to stall sleeping, and so I must run up and down the stairs to get rid of the “woo-wee stinkyyyy!!!” before our house smells of… not nice smells. I want to have him sitting in my lap. I want to hear him say “car cominggg!” in the slightly Russian accent he would get when yelling that a car was coming down the road. I want to read him a book. I want to clean up the remnants of his day and see how’s he built toys into towers and trains. I want to peek in his room and see him sleeping there with Cat and his owls and bees.
But I can’t have any of these things.

And it hurts. It hurts so bad and I want to flail and throw a tantrum like a 2 year old, but that won’t give me any of those things. So I struggle. A whole stinkin’ lot. I really don’t know how to do this. But I must.

All of these things that I want are Kai’s life — and that still exists. Not in the form I’d prefer, but it exists because so many people still love him. I want to have my “old” job back as his mom taking care of him every day. But I still have the job of being his mom, but it looks different now and I’m trying to learn how to do this. I want to keep Kai’s memory alive. I want to always, every single day, remember his joy and tell his sister about him so she will know him as best she can. I want to give thanks for the gazillion things I have to be thankful for. I want, with every ounce of my heart and being, to make sure that Kai’s suffering, our suffering, anyone’s suffering, is not wasted and that I will be open and God will use me to do good in this world. He can make so much more good than there is pain, even if we will never be aware of all the good that happened because of this. I know He is doing that and I want to keep wanting and living with that hope that good will persevere and redeem the suffering.

Hearing Kai laugh makes me always laugh and it turns out he made himself crack up alot….especially with the anticipation of being tickled.

15 Comments on I want…

  1. Hi Aki. I think of him and you guys all the time, too. He will be remembered, always.

  2. I sure love these little glimpses into your life with Kai. He will always be a part of it, and will be remembered.

  3. I’ve been hoping you would post again, not sure exactly why, but I still desire to be a part of this journey and pray for you specifically in whatever you are going through, and just know how you are doing. You are a blessing, and I truly thank you for your sharing. Thank you for teaching me what matters in life. Bless you.

  4. We call them apple squeezies now and I think of Kai and you guys each time. Thank you for sharing all of this. I feel like I learn a new truth with each post. Praying for you all.

  5. I can imagine Heaven is filled with the beautiful musical sounds of baby angels laughing and praising God! They are SO blessed and get to behold His face EVERY MOMENT! God bless you, Aki, and your precious family, including your sunbeam in Heaven.

  6. Bless your sweet heart… my heart remains heavy for you and your family. I am also happy to hear from you, however, as you so frequently enter my mind. And as someone else mentioned- thank you for reminding me of what’s important. As all three of my little boys – under the age of 5 – are currently asleep, and my husband and I are exhausted… I needed to read this. I needed to be reminded to love every second of every day with my boys— even when it’s hard. Even the millionth time they say, “mama!!!”… I need to be happy and thankful to hear that, as I know you would love to hear your boy call your name if even for one more time. I will do better, and work harder to enjoy the trenches because of your Kai’s story. Please know that you’re making a difference by sharing his story and his life. And that infectious laugh… priceless and precious videos. I will be doing more of that now, as well. How beautiful that you have those memories that you can not only see, but hear. Thank you for sharing your family, your heart, and the love of our God. Hugs and prayers from Tennessee.

  7. Still praying for you every day as you walk through the multi-faceted stages of grief. Only Jesus can heal the hurt and bind up your broken hearts. Trusting Him to hold you especially close. So thankful you did go ahead and post, as we all want to know how you are doing.

  8. Please do not feel that you ever need to stop posting. It seems so helpful to yall and you have no idea how meaningful it is to all of us. We are so thankful you are allowing us to share in this journey with you. Yall’s strength never ceases to amaze. All our love.

  9. This video <3 <3 I love that he kicks shawn and says 'tickle' and then just falls on him and says 'you got me'.... and then the times he approaches him and Shawn doesn't even touch him and he just falls back. I love it. I have watched this over 10 times and will continue. I love the smile on Shawn's face - pure joy!

    And, your sweet words. The longing to do all that with Kai, but turning it into seeking love and joy. Letting love win. I'm so glad you have all these videos and memories of the full and wonderful 2.5 years he had. Praying for peace and comfort and energy to get through each day - one day at at time. You have an army with you - remember you are never doing this alone. Even if people don't tell you or call you or text you every day. We are all here to do this with you.

  10. I think it’s good to do these posts. To put down these things, so that you’ll always have it written somewhere. And to share a piece of Kai and where you are- so that we know how to pray. As a mother, I keep a list of silly quotes and things. I need to add more each day. That laugh is beautiful and how great to have it on video. Daddy’s laugh is so great too. Thank you for sharing your heart; I am praying for you.

  11. Aki – I wish I could take the pain away from you. No one should ever have to feel this pain and longing and I wish with you that you could do all of the things you talk about. I guess now these things will happen through Maya and at some point….the pain gets less. I imagine it never goes away – that each and every day you feel an emptiness in your heart and that never goes away. I only hope that for now, you can survive each day and find a way to make it to another. You are loved so dearly by myself and so many others and my hear hurts for you,. my friend.

  12. I think these posts help keep Kai alive in all of us. I love your description of his slightly Russian accent car cominggg :)thank you for continuing to share Kai with us all.

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