Category: General

I want…

I keep thinking each post will be the last post but then I keep feeling the nudge to post an update of some sort. I think I’m pretty nervous about this one, but maybe that’s the normal fear in being honest.

Through all of this, I’ve realized a lot of old “wants” and desires don’t really exist or mean very little to me now. But, I still want a lot…maybe even more than before.

I want to see Kai’s face, I want to feed him breakfast and fix his lunch. I want him to show me his new trick of how he’s balancing on one leg then does his variation of an Irish jig to switch to the other foot. I want to put his socks on his little feet and help him put on his “daddy” shoes (his running shoes that look almost like his dad’s). I want him to tell me that Maya needs a diaper with Elmo on it and not the one with just a heart. I want to be so exhausted from the day because I’ve been carrying him and Maya, running down the street after him, or tired from the climbing the stairs multiple times because he’s somehow made himself poop twice during nap time in efforts to stall sleeping, and so I must run up and down the stairs to get rid of the “woo-wee stinkyyyy!!!” before our house smells of… not nice smells. I want to have him sitting in my lap. I want to hear him say “car cominggg!” in the slightly Russian accent he would get when yelling that a car was coming down the road. I want to read him a book. I want to clean up the remnants of his day and see how’s he built toys into towers and trains. I want to peek in his room and see him sleeping there with Cat and his owls and bees.
But I can’t have any of these things.

And it hurts. It hurts so bad and I want to flail and throw a tantrum like a 2 year old, but that won’t give me any of those things. So I struggle. A whole stinkin’ lot. I really don’t know how to do this. But I must.

All of these things that I want are Kai’s life — and that still exists. Not in the form I’d prefer, but it exists because so many people still love him. I want to have my “old” job back as his mom taking care of him every day. But I still have the job of being his mom, but it looks different now and I’m trying to learn how to do this. I want to keep Kai’s memory alive. I want to always, every single day, remember his joy and tell his sister about him so she will know him as best she can. I want to give thanks for the gazillion things I have to be thankful for. I want, with every ounce of my heart and being, to make sure that Kai’s suffering, our suffering, anyone’s suffering, is not wasted and that I will be open and God will use me to do good in this world. He can make so much more good than there is pain, even if we will never be aware of all the good that happened because of this. I know He is doing that and I want to keep wanting and living with that hope that good will persevere and redeem the suffering.

Hearing Kai laugh makes me always laugh and it turns out he made himself crack up alot….especially with the anticipation of being tickled.

New Life

On April 21, we were given the honor and privilege to witness the 2014 Boston Marathon and cheer on our good friend Amanda as she ran the race in honor of Kai. As we all know, this race was way more than just a race – it was for redemption of a community; celebrating and honoring those who lost their lives; showing bravery and courage in the face of fear and giving a clear message that Love WINS. New life is here. We have all come together for this race.

I have been part of race crowds before, but this was like no other. We saw the injured – coming back, a different normal, but still standing. I wanted to ask every runner to tell me why they were running and where they came from. We saw Team Hoyt, the father who has pushed his son through over 1,100 different races in over 30 years, witnessing the amazing beauty of a father’s love for his son and desire to honor those who were hurt in last year’s bombing by running their final Boston Marathon. For every mile of this course people were lined up cheering and helping the runners along. And when we got to see Amanda and saw her strength and amazing joy it was absolutely thrilling. Amanda is one amazing person (not to mention stinkin’ speedy and such an athlete) and we were completely humbled that she would be running in honor of Kai and so thankful to be able to be there with her.

We were also given the honor and privilege to spend the Easter weekend with Shawn’s family. This was a a very special time to have together, but also bittersweet because Kai’s absence (and significant addition of volume and chaos) was clearly evident to us. However, we saw how Maya completely lit up when she saw her cousins and the clingy-ness she has been showing to Shawn and I lately, was immediately gone when they were around her. We’ve realized now that whether Maya understands or not, she is missing her brother. At the church service we were reminded of the New Life that Jesus promises. There was a beautiful spoken word presentation given and I admit it, I was bawling – I knew, absolutely knew, in that moment that Kai is there enjoying his new life in heaven, but my heart hurt so badly in missing him here in this life. But, this is grief amidst love and I know it’s ok.

When we were walking to meet Amanda to celebrate the race, we heard so many people thanking the runners. “Thank you for coming back”, “Thank you for running” “Thank you for helping our city”. Together those from Boston and from all over the world came together to bring the city its new life from tragedy.

Forever changed, still grieving, but amidst love and with hope for New Life.

April 21 also marked one month since Kai passed – time is a weird thing to me lately but this hit me harder than I imagined it would. However, April 21 also marked the beginning of a new life with the birth of my good friend’s son who was brought into the world also on April 21st. In honor of the new little munchkin, I thought I’d post a picture of a Kai when he first came into our lives. He looks a bit crazy and definitely doesn’t match (totally my fault), but I just love this picture so so much.

Kai just 2 days old
Kai at just 2 days old



An Oldie but Goodie

We’ve been missing our little buddy a lot this week and have been laughing through tears enjoying seeing old videos of Kai Kai. I love this video because it reminds me of how much joy we got from such a simple thing… and also why he had the nickname of “the letter d” for a while because his little belly is what was always leading him around 🙂 This video was taken when Kai was about 11 months old. Maya has also started learning how to make these sounds and it makes us smile seeing her laugh about it and remembering Kai. Love you Kai Kai. so so much.

A little glimpse of Kai

I thought a little laughter would be good today. Parents of little boys or really parents of any toddlers/preschoolers can all understand the pre-dinner/bedtime wired/tired phase. This video shows pretty clearly what our evenings would like with Kai trying to figure out how to use all available furniture as his own jungle gym/adventure park. My favorite part is that while doing said shenanigans he says to himself “don’t fall down” – clearly showing me that yes, he heard what I said but, belly flopping onto the couch is a much better idea.